Today I was told that my aunt has stage 4 cancer. It started on her hip, and now it’s metastasized and is spreading up her spine. She was diagnosed near the end of last year, but she didn’t want to tell her daughter (my closest cousin who’s much more like my sister) because she didn’t want to ruin her senior year or her graduation. I didn’t know either because my aunt and my parents decided that if I knew, Bree would find out.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. There have been multiple people in my family to be diagnosed, and not a single one of them has lived. When I was younger, I didn’t really understand. I remember having the conversation I had today several times in previous years when I was too young to fully grasp what was happening. I only knew “cancer” as something that killed people. Now it’s happening again, and I know that stage 4 is serious. I’m not sure what’s coming next, but as of right now, my aunt is using a walker and is having trouble getting around. I don’t have many details, but the ones I’ve gotten have been pretty bad.

I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to say. My dad told me that Bree is doing fine and is handling it really well, but when I talked to her today, she didn’t sound fine and she definitely didn’t sound like she’s handling it well.

Next month I was supposed to stay with them for a while and go with Bree to her warped date. Instead, I opted out in favor of spending a week in Florida with my best friend. I know that if I went to stay with Bree and my aunt, I’d probably just be in the way, and I doubt the trip would still be on even if I weren’t going to Florida. But either way, I just feel terrible. I don’t deserve to lay around on a beach in Florida for a week while my aunt is fighting for her life. I don’t deserve my health and strength when they’re much better people than I am. I don’t know how to talk to Bree anymore because I know I need to be strong for her, but I don’t know how. I’m not strong at all. I don’t know how to deal with losing my aunt after how close we’ve gotten and all she’s done for me over the years. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I don’t know how to deal with any of it.